Shocking and ridiculous

It's perhaps an understatement to say that my mood hasn't been at its best this week. In fact, I haven't recovered one bit since Sunday and it's getting a little worse by the day. Talked to Fel on the phone last night but I didn't really got around to telling her anything on why I've been feeling so fucked up. Okay maybe a little bit, but that's definitely not the whole story. I don't know man, things are just not working out for me in every aspect on my life currently.

Talk about NS, IPPT is a bitch I tell you. Especially SBJ. Fuck SBJ totally. Ok maybe fuck me and my fagging fat legs. I failed my fucking IPPT on Tuesday and if I don't pass it by July I cannot promote to CPL. Worse still, if I don't pass it by October, I'm totally screwed cause no 3SG rank for me. Seriously, the environment I'm working in, I really need the rank in order to command people to do work. Besides, a few hundred dollars less a month till I ORD adds up to a few thousand so do the math, I really need the 9 extra fucking cm on my jump!

My BSM said it's a bad habit to keep long hair. Which I kinda think is true except that my hair is nowhere near the definition of "long hair" even in NS terms? And the man actually said my front is too long. Ok man I got no complaints, I failed my IPPT, I can't get into his good books, might as well give him whatever he wants from now on, as long as he doesn't give me whatever I don't want (high unlikely though).

Of course there are so many other things troubling me at the moment that it's probably very hard for me to find somewhere to begin. I wonder which is the real problem, my insecurities or my inadequacies, but I find both equally ridiculous and yet there's nothing within my power that I can do to eradicate them.

It's starting to feel irritating to be misunderstood sometimes, especially in camp. People look at my tattoos and me smoking and immediately jump to the conclusion that I'm a troublemaker who can't do shit and only know how to chao keng. Chao chee bye. It's pretty fun initially to prove these motherfuckers wrong, and those people whose opinions I don't give a shit about I wouldn't even be bothered to let them know how ignorant and wrongfully judgmental they are. The trouble is, I don't know if it's NS or just life, that sometimes I'm put in a position that I have to put in extra effort to convince people whom I don't give a shit to that I'm someone trustworthy and dependable to work with. Well fuck that seriously. I am me. My tattoos, my lifestyle habits, my choice of words, the way I talk, it all defines who I am. And if you can't be bothered to find out what I'm all about before jumping to conclusions about me, fuck you inside out cause I probably can't be bothered with what you think too.

What's wrong with this fucking world anyway?

Apparently I might just be the mistake. Oh well fuck me too then.