221cm

I don't know if it's the 1 week of RT I put in after last parade everyday or my new tattoo that gave me all the luck in the world I needed, but I finally passed my IPPT on my 2nd try hahaha. Personal best somemore - 221cm for SBJ. I know it's nothing to shout about to most people, but considering I'm someone who always jumps 207cm and previous record was a just-pass-lucky-shit 216cm, it's really a major improvement.

I was so high morale after I passed my SBJ that morning that I even ran 9min50s for 2.4km. So I didn't manage to hit the gold timing, but it was like a 45s improvement from the previous week and just 6s away so not too bad ok. Fastest I ever ran in Tekong was like 9min35s and god knows how many packets of cigarettes I smoked from then till now, a 15s lag still ain't too bad eh. The way my unit, or rather my new BSM looks at physical training, I think it's fair to say it won't be a problem before more than 50% can hit the gold timing. We really run and run and run like crazy everyday man.

But it's cool, all's well ends well. I can finally just wait for my inevitable promotion to come in the meantime and that's one less thing to worry about. There's the other matter to worry about though, and that's going to India for 6 weeks! Rumours have been flying around as to when we will be leaving, some say end of Sept through Oct, some say end of Aug till 1st week of Oct. Either way, it seems that my 21st birthday is gonna be affected somehow. Am I gonna celebrate by myself in India? Get a couple of hot Indian chicks and party the night away in Mumbai? Lol. I don't think I'm even going to Mumbai in the first place it's probably gonna be just some rural countryside ulu place. Damn it man, and I thought 21st birthday is gonna be a darn good excuse for me to get wasted and do all the bad things that I normally can't and won't get away with on any other day.

Btw, promised photo on my tatt so here it is:

Took the photo immediately after poking so it's still reddish and raw and all. Now it's scabbing a little and the itch is once again pushing me over edge. It's so GODDDAMN ITCHY. I thought chest should be ok intially because my chest is pretty flesh, but when the needle hits the middle part, especially when I'm lying down and the skin is pretty stretched, the sensation is so strong that I practically just jolted on the chair when I got poked. Like an electric shock. And I swear, I swear, I can't even imagine how it would feel if it's done on the rib-cage or the ankles. A whole new level of pain man. Eric told me before he started that chest will be a little more painful and I didn't believe him, I still don't. Because it's not a little more, IMO it's a shitload more.

My last parts of entries are usually reserved for emo/relationships and stuff like that so here it comes. I was just telling someone last night that my current situation doesn't really permit me to commit into a relationship, as much as I may want to. Disregarding my pathetic financial status, I'm also in camp 5 days a week and only get to see the civilised world over the weekend. Take out 1 day for my grandma and 1 day for my friends, and it's really been a jam-packed schedule already. It's gonna be fairly easy for me to commit to an exclusive dating relationship arrangement because I don't have the time or opportunity to meet other people as well, which would not be fair to the other party as she has all the time in the world to meet people, socialise, and do whatever she wants. To force her to give up all these opportunities to commit to a relationship would be somewhat downright selfish on my part right?

Damn look at the rational and logical way that I assess the whole situation which leads to me always make the right decisions. Of course, you may have noticed that I omitted a single trivial detail, that she's NOT THAT INTO ME ALSO probably hahaha. I'd rather not think of that and just carry on being the nice and gentlemanly guy. There's a saying that the worst things are usually done by the people with the best intentions, which may somehow apply to me also. The "right" decisions, so to speak, that I make doesn't seem to lead me to the light at all.

At the end of the day, I'm still a lonely, grumpy and irritable young man who's got no one and nowhere to turn to. That's probably not true I know, but what the hell just put up with me acting emo for awhile. Not even a goodnight kiss yknow!? Never even hold the little pinky! Hahahaha shit man. Do try to make it up by replying my sms or picking up my calls more promptly next time then. Lol.

Out.

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SLACK

I've been slacking for too long, too damn fucking long.

Academically, I haven't been studying anywhere near the level I was just a few months back when my exam was just around the corner. I would spend everynight after last parade in camp to study till 12am, I would stay at home on weekends to study, it was just mug mug and mug. Right now I couldn't keep my hands off my PSP whenever I reach my bunk, much less do anything else like picking up my textbooks. Weekends at home ain't anywhere better, I can't stop downloading shows or games to put into my PSP to entertain myself when I book in. And I said I wanted to take 2 papers this time round. Am I dreaming or what?

Physical-wise, I cannot stop my weight from spiralling out of control. I'm weighing 79-ish kg now, and I'm still feeling hungry. I'm guessing that when I'm done satisfying my hunger I'll probably weigh some 82-83kg from all the food I'm gonna stuff myself with. That's a whole 10+ kg compared with my poly days and before I enlisted. I haven't been running much at all since the Stan Chart Marathon but hey, you can forgive me for thinking that I've ran all my life's worth of mileage after 42km. Every weekend I'll set my alarm to 830am thinking that I can give a call to my little star to wake her up for work and then go jogging myself. End up I'll go back to sleep after calling her and wake up around 1130 just in time for brunch.

I can't keep living this way. IPPT on Tuesday and I'm really pretty sure I'm gonna fail it. Fuck SBJ. Remedial training here I come then.

I gotta go try study abit now. Or maybe I should watch 1 more episode of True Blood. Hmmm..

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Shocking and ridiculous

It's perhaps an understatement to say that my mood hasn't been at its best this week. In fact, I haven't recovered one bit since Sunday and it's getting a little worse by the day. Talked to Fel on the phone last night but I didn't really got around to telling her anything on why I've been feeling so fucked up. Okay maybe a little bit, but that's definitely not the whole story. I don't know man, things are just not working out for me in every aspect on my life currently.

Talk about NS, IPPT is a bitch I tell you. Especially SBJ. Fuck SBJ totally. Ok maybe fuck me and my fagging fat legs. I failed my fucking IPPT on Tuesday and if I don't pass it by July I cannot promote to CPL. Worse still, if I don't pass it by October, I'm totally screwed cause no 3SG rank for me. Seriously, the environment I'm working in, I really need the rank in order to command people to do work. Besides, a few hundred dollars less a month till I ORD adds up to a few thousand so do the math, I really need the 9 extra fucking cm on my jump!

My BSM said it's a bad habit to keep long hair. Which I kinda think is true except that my hair is nowhere near the definition of "long hair" even in NS terms? And the man actually said my front is too long. Ok man I got no complaints, I failed my IPPT, I can't get into his good books, might as well give him whatever he wants from now on, as long as he doesn't give me whatever I don't want (high unlikely though).

Of course there are so many other things troubling me at the moment that it's probably very hard for me to find somewhere to begin. I wonder which is the real problem, my insecurities or my inadequacies, but I find both equally ridiculous and yet there's nothing within my power that I can do to eradicate them.

It's starting to feel irritating to be misunderstood sometimes, especially in camp. People look at my tattoos and me smoking and immediately jump to the conclusion that I'm a troublemaker who can't do shit and only know how to chao keng. Chao chee bye. It's pretty fun initially to prove these motherfuckers wrong, and those people whose opinions I don't give a shit about I wouldn't even be bothered to let them know how ignorant and wrongfully judgmental they are. The trouble is, I don't know if it's NS or just life, that sometimes I'm put in a position that I have to put in extra effort to convince people whom I don't give a shit to that I'm someone trustworthy and dependable to work with. Well fuck that seriously. I am me. My tattoos, my lifestyle habits, my choice of words, the way I talk, it all defines who I am. And if you can't be bothered to find out what I'm all about before jumping to conclusions about me, fuck you inside out cause I probably can't be bothered with what you think too.

What's wrong with this fucking world anyway?

Apparently I might just be the mistake. Oh well fuck me too then.

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