Revolutionary Road

Actually I meant to write something on it after I finished reading the novel a few weeks ago, but decided to hold out until I watch the movie instead to see if anything else came up to me. Regarding the movie itself, Kate Winslet looks really old and out of shape while Leonardo DiCarpio looks as charming as ever. I honestly don't know what's up with this Hollywood male leads thing, all the male actors all look so fucking charming/handsome/stylish. I guess that didn't really came out right haha.


You'd think that the dilemma that the Wheelers were facing would only exist in present times. Afterall, they always say that things were much more simpler back then. So what's the problem then, the Wheelers were somewhat ahead of their time? I don't think they would stand out as much if they were living in present times for sure.


I think one thing that really struck me from the novel, not so much the movie, is the irrationality of love. You can love someone so much that you're willing to do anything for him/her, you can be so attracted by one person that everything he/she does is perfect in your eyes. But the moment something somewhere changed, you'll see that person in an entirely different light. All the flaws would suddenly be visible and nothing he/she does will seem right anymore. And the worst thing is you don't even know what has changed or where has gone wrong. Maybe you can attribute it to having a bad day, a mood swing. But honestly, there's just no rational explaination when it comes to love, or the lack of it. Love itself promotes and often results in irrational behaviour, thinking and attitude. And it's form and shape is everchanging so you never really grasp it, even though you might think you have.

Then there's the other thing about the "hopeless emptiness" of the life you hate to but is forced to lead. Honestly, I don't think Frank is as special as he thinks he is, or as April is. April is what I'd call a true maverick who's living ahead of her time although whether that is a good or bad thing is still very debatable. Frank is perhaps just, a few steps away from greatness but simply not there yet. It's pretty obvious that April is the one who's bullying Frank and despising him because he can fit in while she'll never do. Is April insane? Maybe to a certain extent. If given a choice, I don't think I'll dare to think or be as insane as she is. How far am I away from greatness? Very, very far as it would seem.


I'm feeling a little confused at the moment. I'm trying to rationalise everything before falling too deep in because honestly, I don't really know if I want anything to come out of it myself either. Perhaps to say the very least, I just want to enjoy the ride while it lasts. I mean, when a guy dates a girl, why must it always be a serious boyfriend-girlfriend type of relationship right? What's up with the official status tag anyway. At the moment, all that matters to me is that I have fun and enjoy spending time with her and she kinda feels the same too (I HOPE) so we can just carry on this way until we're really sure we should be dating exclusively. Besides, as far as I know, she's not that into me anyway. I don't know how to convince her that she's not giving me false hope or is possibly hurting me or anything by going out with me because it's really nothing of that sort. Maybe she thinks it's my ego that's preventing myself from admitting it, but I'm not afraid of admitting anything. I really do like her anyway. The thing is, I feel so much better with our present arrangement, just "dating" and enjoying each other's company without all the commitment and bullshit.

I don't have to go killing myself thinking of how to spice up the relationship when it's getting a tad too mundane; I don't have to feel guilty when I hang out with or think of other girls; I don't have to be responsible for every single little shit she does be it right or wrong; I can just enjoy this whole "dating" process with no strings attached. People always say it's the wooing phase that's the most exciting part. I certainly agree, so why bother if anything good would come out of it at the end? So long as everyone have fun that's the most important thing. I don't think I'm ready yet for another relationship anyway, but that's taking things a little too far I guess. Just strap on, go for the ride, enjoy everything that comes my way and see where it takes me at the end of the day.

Anyway, back to reality, today is officially my last day in STC. Reporting to Amoy Quee Camp tomorrow already. New camp, new unit, new life! Wish me luck everyone.

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1st book out after staying in.

As can be read from the title, I've just experienced my first book out since staying in for the first week at STC. Earlier this week I also experienced my first ever nights out on Wednesday. Woohoo, sound like a noob but yet another milestone reached in my very short ns 'career'. I shouldn't call it liability cause c'mon we're defending the country (sort of) so how can that be a liability of Singaporean males right.

Quite shiok lah stay in. Turns out that really is zo bo after dinnertime. Monday sometimes will be very busy cause lessons might get extended, Tuesday and Thursday go gym, Wednesday and Friday book out, smoking break OTOT, I think this is THE LIFE. Can't think of a better way to spend my next 2 months.

My coursemates are generally quite steady also. Not say chiongsters like bmt but just regularly nice people that I can relate to and get along with well. Of course there're always the jelly-legged nua idiots or carry-balls yesmen around but I'm glad to say it's really not many. Trust the virgo to start judging people again huh. Then again can't blame me right, people used to call me Garang See Hui Gang back in bmt and that's after a few weeks. This time round a few days only the regulars started calling me pai kia, ang kong siao and whatnot and everybody follow them. Knn, tell me who's the judgmental one around here.

Whatever man, I'm sure that after a while they'll know what I'm really like and they'll be in for a "pleasant suprise". Just like what Nur told me during one of our many many smoke breaks, "Someone told me that good people won't smoke. What kind of nonsense is this? How can you judge people this way?" Got ang kong means is pai kia also lah? Then again yea lah if I see someone with ang kong and squat one side and smoke I also will think he is pai kia hahaha. I'm sure we're all ready for this type of social stigma the moment we decided to put the needle on our skin. I don't have to prove anything to anyone, but I take quite some pleasure in proving judgmental people like me wrong anyway hehheh.

Thursday night after gym was another "low" point for me. I also don't know why but we somehow started talking about why we started smoking. Peer pressure was the most popular answer but I think Nur's answer is the best. "One day, for no reason, I just wanna find out how it feels like to smoke while wearing my tudong so I bought a packet to smoke." We just LOLed at that seriously.

Actually I smoke is also because of peer pressure. First stick was around 3 years ago when working in Gramophone. My ex-colleagues are all smokers so jio me go smoke break teach me how to tarik so LL learn if not cannot skive at work. Stopped for a really long while cause honestly, I really hate smoking. It's unhealthy, decreases your physical fitness and ability, expensive, stinks up your breath and fingers and probably more importantly none of my close good friends smoke so there's not even the lamest reason of peer pressure for me to smoke.

So what is the grand reason I gave for picking up smoking again? "My ex-gf hates smokers." Zitao everyone scratch head think got no link and that I shagged cannot think. It's not that ok, I also almost lost track of the connection but it's true. And I don't know how to really explain. So I went back to bunk that night and thought about it.

Here comes the best part: while getting on to bed I accidentally smell my feet and boy don't they stink. I thought of washing my feet and then certain memories came back to me suddenly about washing feet. I recalled there was one time when her feet quite stink also and I sat her down in my room toilet and washed and massaged her feet for her. Damn, that was sweet wasn't it? Then I think about the situation now, the situation a few months back and everything that has happened in between. At that point of time I felt really lost and thought that my life was in a mess.

I think I'm smoking because I know she hates smokers so I'm doing this to get back at her for everything that didn't work out for our relationship. It's a really childish and ineffective method that's not gonna achieve anything. And that's just the first part. Ok, so I convinced myself that it would never have worked out between us anyway and judging by how happy she is now I'm quite sure I made the best decision I could have ever made for the 2 of us.

Let's move on. How about the other girl who had always been in and out of my life? The one that in my previous posts I almost revered as the "love of my life"? Why do I seemingly don't seem hmm, lets put it in a nice way, very interested now? I guess that night during the birthday party quite a no. of events occured that made me see things even clearer. I don't know how to explain this, but deep inside I somehow really understood what Kelvin meant when he said "it's not easy". I guess with her it never is and seriously don't think I'm ever up to the task, not even as a friend.

By the time it was lights off, the L(oneliness) Monster struck again so there I was lying on my bed listening to my ipod. I tried to tell myself that I'll just fall asleep and tomorrow would be better but the devil side keeps saying that it's bullshit. Tomorrow will be exactly the same as it was today, the same way how today is the same as yesterday.

I found out for myself how wrong the devil side was. When I woke up this morning the only feelings I had were fatigue, hunger, cold and frustration due to yet another blackout. Haha none of the loneliness or whatnot at all.

My life is not in a mess. It's a blank. Empty. Nothing on it. And I don't love anyone or have any love of my life kind of thing, I figured that the person I loved more than anyone else is probably myself. And when I smoked, I remembered why I wanna smoke. Not because my ex gf hates smokers, not because of peer pressure, but because it makes me feel good and relaxes me, takes my mind off my boring repetitive life a little. And that's the honest truth, underneath it all.

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Last week

The most relax/fun/slack course in the whole of SAF is finally gonna come to an end before the week after next is out. I guess I'm really fortunate to have came into this course, even more so that I'm in this frame with this batch of coursemates and this team of instructors. Honestly, I wouldn't have it any other way if I had a choice. Every single person in each of the 4 syndicates contributed to the liveliness, fun and I'd call success for the running for this course.

As true as ever, there'll always be a few fucked up characters around who'll do something to irritate the shit out of everyone. At the end of the day, I think I can say that we eventually ended up on the winning side because we blanket-ed those who deserved it and even managed to make someone cry right in front of the whole course. Lol! They say that my song "Congratulations..and celebrations..." was the killer blow, but what do I know. I was merely following everyone's lead, particularly Sgt Douglas who's an instructor himself btw. Fuck it, I had fun, everyone had fun, as mean as it may sound, I don't really care.

I thought BMT was tight cause I always go chiong clubbing with my platoon mates. However, this course kinda really owned BMT cause it's so much longer (4 months!) and we got more time to stay together in the same bunk and go through the same shit. This few weeks we're like trying hard to make up for lost time realising the course is about to end. Been pubbing almost every other Friday nights, squeezing in Sentosa trips here and there, singing KTV and even prawning. When the company is good, any activity will be fun. All the more so if it involves ogling at babes or getting wasted hahaha.

I do realise that this entry sounds a tad too emo. But it's true. None of us really want this course to end because all that awaits us is the boring repetitive unit life. Particularly so when VC had warned me before that in the coy line, CQ doesn't really have any friends. Our bunk in STC is somewhat already a home; Ma'am Agnes' constant nagging, Sgt Fazli's sacarsm (Joseph, let's stare at the camo net together and wait for it to erect by itself), Sgt Doug's laid-back friendliness, Master Ahad's literally toothless tekan-ing (I'm the motherfucker from hell! You want heaven? I give you hell!), we're gonna have to live without all of it in a matter of days. The list goes on and on, and I'd really wanna give a big thank-you to everyone in STC for giving me quite possibly the best and most memorable time in my NS life

Szeto asked me before what I wanted to achieve in this course, and then my 2 years of NS. I asked him back and he said all he wanted to do was to make more friends everywhere. I have never felt more of what you might say, a sense of reliance or dependence on my friends before. I have almost always thought of myself as someone who can be isolated, independent and maybe even a little aloof. And I'm proud of that. Recently, I'm just glad to have my friends around me with whom I can just hang out with. It's true afterall, humans are creatures who are dying to get out and socialize. The more the better.

Gotta thank Boonie for bringing me to OCC for a swim this morning too. Had an awesome time swimming after god knows how long, not to mention the killer toilet that's really just WOW. I'm really just glad of all these wonderful people around me helping me keep my days occupied so I don't feel like a pathetic grousy loser perpetually stuck at home. Then again my grandma will tell you that I'm never at home.

Alright gotta go for a haircut and get ready to book in already. More emo rantings next week. Out till then.

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Stay-out life.

After months of staying-in, I finally got to re-experience stay-out life once again although it's just a short 3 days. Supposed to go Zouk last night but our late night exploit on Tuesday -sneaking into the lounge to watch soccer, resulted in too many people reporting fatigue and falling out. End up cancel and I lan lan had to stay at home do C-map.

We went to Amoy Quee Camp to do external stocktake today and their canteen really own STC's x999999. They have this one whole menu on sandwiches and the most expensive one is like only $2.50 if I remember correctly and their sandwiches come in the form of like Mega Big Mac. 3 slices of bread with the patties and egg and cheese whatever of your choice giapped in the middle, toasted and complete with the goodness of chilli sauce and mayo. Their teh teh-O kopi everything also is gao gao and there's even tau sar piah, egg tart, chocolate tart and a whole host of tidbits selling at like 20% cheaper than STC. I thought the Khatib Camp canteen was good but this just blew me away. Obviously STC is really really low in this aspect.

I was toying with the idea of creating a hidden link in this page, something like an easter egg that'll lead to another blog or page rather that contains all my true personal rantings. Those that are wayy too personal for the blogosphere to read and know openly, those that should come as a suprise reward for those who manage to find the easter egg. One might question my intention of wanting to do so the same way I questioned myself, was I secretly hoping that what I wrote in my blog can somehow effect a change in my life? Was I waiting for someone to read this because I didn't dare/want to tell the person myself? Yes. The answer is yes. But the same dilemma exists no matter what platform I choose to deliver the message, whether in person or in my blog. That's why I thought of this easter egg idea which doesn't really solve it also which generally led me back to square one.

The problem lies with the message, not the medium. But somehow I'm dying inside for the message to get out although I won't want to bear the consequences. I just can't. Not that I think it'll make anything any better either. Just feeling damn gao wei this morning and I feel like a woman on menopause because my cycle gets disrupted. It used to go Stage 1=>2=>3 in a linear manner, now it's all jumbled up and goes back and forth, making me feel better and killing me at irregular intervals again and again.

Like everything else, it's just gonna get worse before it'll get better.

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