1st book out after staying in.

As can be read from the title, I've just experienced my first book out since staying in for the first week at STC. Earlier this week I also experienced my first ever nights out on Wednesday. Woohoo, sound like a noob but yet another milestone reached in my very short ns 'career'. I shouldn't call it liability cause c'mon we're defending the country (sort of) so how can that be a liability of Singaporean males right.

Quite shiok lah stay in. Turns out that really is zo bo after dinnertime. Monday sometimes will be very busy cause lessons might get extended, Tuesday and Thursday go gym, Wednesday and Friday book out, smoking break OTOT, I think this is THE LIFE. Can't think of a better way to spend my next 2 months.

My coursemates are generally quite steady also. Not say chiongsters like bmt but just regularly nice people that I can relate to and get along with well. Of course there're always the jelly-legged nua idiots or carry-balls yesmen around but I'm glad to say it's really not many. Trust the virgo to start judging people again huh. Then again can't blame me right, people used to call me Garang See Hui Gang back in bmt and that's after a few weeks. This time round a few days only the regulars started calling me pai kia, ang kong siao and whatnot and everybody follow them. Knn, tell me who's the judgmental one around here.

Whatever man, I'm sure that after a while they'll know what I'm really like and they'll be in for a "pleasant suprise". Just like what Nur told me during one of our many many smoke breaks, "Someone told me that good people won't smoke. What kind of nonsense is this? How can you judge people this way?" Got ang kong means is pai kia also lah? Then again yea lah if I see someone with ang kong and squat one side and smoke I also will think he is pai kia hahaha. I'm sure we're all ready for this type of social stigma the moment we decided to put the needle on our skin. I don't have to prove anything to anyone, but I take quite some pleasure in proving judgmental people like me wrong anyway hehheh.

Thursday night after gym was another "low" point for me. I also don't know why but we somehow started talking about why we started smoking. Peer pressure was the most popular answer but I think Nur's answer is the best. "One day, for no reason, I just wanna find out how it feels like to smoke while wearing my tudong so I bought a packet to smoke." We just LOLed at that seriously.

Actually I smoke is also because of peer pressure. First stick was around 3 years ago when working in Gramophone. My ex-colleagues are all smokers so jio me go smoke break teach me how to tarik so LL learn if not cannot skive at work. Stopped for a really long while cause honestly, I really hate smoking. It's unhealthy, decreases your physical fitness and ability, expensive, stinks up your breath and fingers and probably more importantly none of my close good friends smoke so there's not even the lamest reason of peer pressure for me to smoke.

So what is the grand reason I gave for picking up smoking again? "My ex-gf hates smokers." Zitao everyone scratch head think got no link and that I shagged cannot think. It's not that ok, I also almost lost track of the connection but it's true. And I don't know how to really explain. So I went back to bunk that night and thought about it.

Here comes the best part: while getting on to bed I accidentally smell my feet and boy don't they stink. I thought of washing my feet and then certain memories came back to me suddenly about washing feet. I recalled there was one time when her feet quite stink also and I sat her down in my room toilet and washed and massaged her feet for her. Damn, that was sweet wasn't it? Then I think about the situation now, the situation a few months back and everything that has happened in between. At that point of time I felt really lost and thought that my life was in a mess.

I think I'm smoking because I know she hates smokers so I'm doing this to get back at her for everything that didn't work out for our relationship. It's a really childish and ineffective method that's not gonna achieve anything. And that's just the first part. Ok, so I convinced myself that it would never have worked out between us anyway and judging by how happy she is now I'm quite sure I made the best decision I could have ever made for the 2 of us.

Let's move on. How about the other girl who had always been in and out of my life? The one that in my previous posts I almost revered as the "love of my life"? Why do I seemingly don't seem hmm, lets put it in a nice way, very interested now? I guess that night during the birthday party quite a no. of events occured that made me see things even clearer. I don't know how to explain this, but deep inside I somehow really understood what Kelvin meant when he said "it's not easy". I guess with her it never is and seriously don't think I'm ever up to the task, not even as a friend.

By the time it was lights off, the L(oneliness) Monster struck again so there I was lying on my bed listening to my ipod. I tried to tell myself that I'll just fall asleep and tomorrow would be better but the devil side keeps saying that it's bullshit. Tomorrow will be exactly the same as it was today, the same way how today is the same as yesterday.

I found out for myself how wrong the devil side was. When I woke up this morning the only feelings I had were fatigue, hunger, cold and frustration due to yet another blackout. Haha none of the loneliness or whatnot at all.

My life is not in a mess. It's a blank. Empty. Nothing on it. And I don't love anyone or have any love of my life kind of thing, I figured that the person I loved more than anyone else is probably myself. And when I smoked, I remembered why I wanna smoke. Not because my ex gf hates smokers, not because of peer pressure, but because it makes me feel good and relaxes me, takes my mind off my boring repetitive life a little. And that's the honest truth, underneath it all.

Read More

I'm living with faggot dawgface fuckers.

I think I'm really someone who values logic, rationality and sensibility a lot and it really frustrates me when people around me can't make any sense. I was damn pissed for 5 seconds and totally went red but a thought flashed across my mind and I cooled cause I realised that it was something that I can never change. No point getting pissed about it.

My grandma told me just now that my uncle they all decided to move house to Sembawang and fuck I used to do volunteer there it's like totally inconvenient to everything I'm doing now. Moreover landed property usually very deep in wanna get to MRT station also troublesome. So I asked my uncle if it's true and said that it's very troublesome for us ask if he could find another place. This is his reply:

"Ya can. You tell me how much you wanna chip in for the rent here? That's the only place I can afford whereby the rent is only $2000+ everywhere else is $4000+. I've already decided and have placed a deposit."

Looking at his fucking fat gay face saying all this really made me damn pissed, like challenging me to move out or pay for the rent which he knows I can't. So ok I know there's nothing I can do so I just LL walked away.

Actually ok I understand where he's coming from. The property market really hot so rents are all rising and he has to keep all these dogs so he can't rent a HDB flat either. So standing in his gay shoes this is probably the best he can do. BUT wait, he's always saying that he's getting this big job that's paying $7-8k monthly and he's spending all these money on rubbish ornaments and his fucking gay partner and he's saying he can't pay anything anymore? He definitely ultimately HAS to keep all these dogs? It's like saying his mother (my grandma) and me can't even compare to his dogs. Ok maybe I can't afterall I'm just a nephew. What about my grandma? His own mother? Giving her $50 a month and she gotta buy his meals pay the phone bills and shit?

And all the while my mum just sit beside dun dare to speak a word. Why? Because they are on the same side. He has to provide for his gay partner, while my mum has to provide for the gigolo she's keeping. I don't even see my dad more than 3 times a month so he's not even a factor. My mum has never given my any money since primary school and even now that we are living together. Maybe last time we didn't stay together she can say she don't see me everyday no chance to give me. Apparently she thinks that her son is some godlike being who can survive without earthly objects such as money. It's ok cause I've gotten used to it and it's not like I can expect anything from them. All these are things that neither me nor my grandma can change again. I gotta admit I was disappointed at how my "family members" are behaving, but then I remember that they are not myfamily, just people lending my grandma and I a shelter so really nothing should and could be expected from them.

The thing that I'm really pissed about is that I still got a few more months of poly left and then still gotta serve NS before can start working. Recently school got this career talk people from ACCA and KPMG etc. came and got me thinking about the future. After today, the future seems so certain for me. No more university, no more wasting time. It's gonna be straight to work after NS. Why? Because I wanna get my grandma and I out of this shelter that they seemed to be giving us out of pity and not anything else, and I know I'm better than all these and definitely my grandma deserves more than what she's getting.

I can't blame them cause it's their lives and that's the way they have chosen to live it. But they gotta bear the consequences, and that is being a fucking gay my uncle will never have offspring. That way when he's old, no one's gonna take care of him. If he's gonna ask for money from me, I'm gonna spend all the spare money I have keeping pigs and dogs and cats and whatever but he's definitely not gonna get a cent from me. Same goes to my mum. She's like 48 now so I don't think she will have another child with the gigolo. So my mum, her gigolo, my uncle and his gay partner can all hug together and die with their dogs 10-20 years from now while I look on from a better place.

Ungrateful maybe, cause afterall they're providing grandma and me with a shelter to live in for the time being. But ungrateful is exactly how they've been to my grandma and that's exactly what they're gonna get from me. Maybe I'll go to hell for having this kind of thinking or doing what I'm gonna do in the future, but I don't mind cause I know I'll definitely see them there too.

Forgive and forget? No fucking way. Especially to my family. No fucking way.

Read More