Messed up.

me: "you always make me feel silly :("

reply: "because you are"

I'm really pretty silly ain't I? Dwelling on insignificant matters and always going out of point. I really don't know what else to do or how else to behave and it really seemed right at that point of time. I think sooner or later I'm gonna have to let it all out regardless of the consequences because it's really killing me. It's like I've built this wall of pretense to defend myself and brick by brick it's being taken apart, sooner or later everything's gonna come tumbling down and I'll find myself in yet another mess. And I'll probably die you know, like, just die somewhere.

Last Wednesday's duty with Corera was another one of those "magical bonding session" again. We didn't play psp or rest during our break and just laid on the bed and talked cock for 3 hours straight before going for our 2nd prowl. Somehow we can relate to each other really well and we let each other in on stuff that I wouldn't even imagine telling anyone in STC, considering this was like the first time we really talked. Amazing guard duty huh. And he managed to convince me to do something about it even if it meant being taken for a ride. Okay, maybe he didn't really convince me because I've meant to do the same thing also, but he merely gave me a little push to make myself feel better in case I was really taken for a ride. Like, "I knew it, I shouldn't have done it. Stupid Corera!" that kinda thing. But nope it didn't happen that night but I'm pretty sure it's gonna happen soon, when I'm really READY ready.

I'm really hopeless. I know, all my friends know, and I suspect even my grandma and mum knows it by now. In fact my grandma probably has always known that I'm hopeless since way back when it first started. I've tried all methods to make it go away but it's just here to stay. I've tried embracing it but that didn't work out either. It's just me, and this is just the way I am. Selfish as can be, childish maybe, but I can't change what I am. I tried, really, but I just can't.

Picked up this book called "A Spot Of Bother" from Popular 2 weeks back, just finished reading it 3 days ago. Although the sex scenes are pretty graphic (especially the homosexual ones), the style of writing and story itself really appealed to me. Short sentences and chapters filled with sacarsm and wit. I actually see a little of myself in all the characters in the book. I'm like Katie, always wanting to be in charge, to feel better than someone else. I'm like Jamie, building a routine and comfort zone for myself and not letting anyone in or myself out of it. I'm like Jean, too weak to take actions and lacking a certain moral discipline. All the characters are totally flawed and fucked up and I know, there're really people like that in life. I'm one of them. I think I could've fitted into the book somewhere what with all these flaws, irrationality and selfishness of my actions. None of the characters really knew what love is all about, but they all eventually came round to the idea at the end of the book (of course). I still don't.

I was browsing on facebook when I came to Pearly's profile and saw her photos with her boyfriend. Strangely, I didn't feel none of the bitterness I felt sometime back. I just smiled and remembered what a cute girl she was (she's really cute, on top of looking cute at all) and how she used to make me laugh. I'm sure her boyfriend must be having a good time laughing at her cute actions too. I don't know where all the bitterness had gone to, probably it was overshadowed by my fucked up emotions from last night, maybe I've really gotten around it. I saw her sis's comment on how blissful she looks now with her boyfriend and deep inside I really felt the same and happy for her. Perhaps for the very first time, honestly. It's been what, almost half a year since we broke up? I'm really sorry about the fact that we couldn't remain as friends. I thought we could've been really great friends and company since we've been together for so long and we would really understand each other. But it's okay, probably for the best cause it's just coming from my selfish point of view.

At least it wouldn't be the same mistake that I'm committing. I've always said that "Come on, I've got so many friends, having one less won't kill me. I can get through this." But I never could and just by still being friends it's not exactly killing me, more like slicing off my flesh bit by bit. Oh gosh, I'm so fucked and messed up. Promised Hx an explosive jing bao blog post but ended up talking in riddles afterall.

Soon, soon, the explosive jing bao one will come. I'll do something about it.

Until then I'm out.