You are not special.

I wonder how people can live with the notion that they are special, that we are all special in a way. No doubt we are different, but that does not make us special. Some of us may be born rich, born handsome, born with a big brain blahblahblah, but that does not give us (or you) the priviledge to feel that you are special or the one or that you have the world at your feet. According to Deathnote, we all go to the same fucked up place of nothingness when we die. (Hope I'm not going to hell) I'm like, come on, no one planned anything for you. You don't deserve what you have because of what you are. You deserve it because of what you do. If you don't do shit about anything, how can you expect someone else to plan it for you and serve it up for you AND you'll still have the cheek to accept it? Because you are 'special'?

Is it so hard to blame yourself for once when something goes wrong?

I'm quite fired up 2 nights ago. I feel that I've been swimming in a pond below my league for awhile and that explains the overachieving and I really should not be running away anymore. That's what I've been doing, running away and running away. Well no more, I'm absolutely fired up to do the best I can and I told myself it's gonna start in the office the next day, whereby I'll do all my work seriously and learn whatever there is to learn by the end of this job.

Having said that, my fire kinda extinguished when I got back my previous case today to clear the audit reviews while halfway through my current one. By the time it's 6pm, I'm so fucking glad the day's over but I'm also starting to panic and wonder if I can finish the audits on time. On top of the 2-3 collation files that have yet to be finalised, I still have 2 audits that's ongoing at the same time. My office table and mind are both really in a mess and my multi-tasking ability is going into overdrive.

That's why, that's why my weekends are extra precious and I need gym to give me an avenue to let it all out. Of course the real reason is that I've been binging on candy and chocolate in office almost everyday to help me get through the workload.

I'm already complaining while working in a small firm, what will happen if I work in big4? Can I really work in big4? I shouldn't be doubting myself, I shouldn't give myself an excuse to run away again.

Bring back my fire and bring me through the wire.