1st book out after staying in.

As can be read from the title, I've just experienced my first book out since staying in for the first week at STC. Earlier this week I also experienced my first ever nights out on Wednesday. Woohoo, sound like a noob but yet another milestone reached in my very short ns 'career'. I shouldn't call it liability cause c'mon we're defending the country (sort of) so how can that be a liability of Singaporean males right.

Quite shiok lah stay in. Turns out that really is zo bo after dinnertime. Monday sometimes will be very busy cause lessons might get extended, Tuesday and Thursday go gym, Wednesday and Friday book out, smoking break OTOT, I think this is THE LIFE. Can't think of a better way to spend my next 2 months.

My coursemates are generally quite steady also. Not say chiongsters like bmt but just regularly nice people that I can relate to and get along with well. Of course there're always the jelly-legged nua idiots or carry-balls yesmen around but I'm glad to say it's really not many. Trust the virgo to start judging people again huh. Then again can't blame me right, people used to call me Garang See Hui Gang back in bmt and that's after a few weeks. This time round a few days only the regulars started calling me pai kia, ang kong siao and whatnot and everybody follow them. Knn, tell me who's the judgmental one around here.

Whatever man, I'm sure that after a while they'll know what I'm really like and they'll be in for a "pleasant suprise". Just like what Nur told me during one of our many many smoke breaks, "Someone told me that good people won't smoke. What kind of nonsense is this? How can you judge people this way?" Got ang kong means is pai kia also lah? Then again yea lah if I see someone with ang kong and squat one side and smoke I also will think he is pai kia hahaha. I'm sure we're all ready for this type of social stigma the moment we decided to put the needle on our skin. I don't have to prove anything to anyone, but I take quite some pleasure in proving judgmental people like me wrong anyway hehheh.

Thursday night after gym was another "low" point for me. I also don't know why but we somehow started talking about why we started smoking. Peer pressure was the most popular answer but I think Nur's answer is the best. "One day, for no reason, I just wanna find out how it feels like to smoke while wearing my tudong so I bought a packet to smoke." We just LOLed at that seriously.

Actually I smoke is also because of peer pressure. First stick was around 3 years ago when working in Gramophone. My ex-colleagues are all smokers so jio me go smoke break teach me how to tarik so LL learn if not cannot skive at work. Stopped for a really long while cause honestly, I really hate smoking. It's unhealthy, decreases your physical fitness and ability, expensive, stinks up your breath and fingers and probably more importantly none of my close good friends smoke so there's not even the lamest reason of peer pressure for me to smoke.

So what is the grand reason I gave for picking up smoking again? "My ex-gf hates smokers." Zitao everyone scratch head think got no link and that I shagged cannot think. It's not that ok, I also almost lost track of the connection but it's true. And I don't know how to really explain. So I went back to bunk that night and thought about it.

Here comes the best part: while getting on to bed I accidentally smell my feet and boy don't they stink. I thought of washing my feet and then certain memories came back to me suddenly about washing feet. I recalled there was one time when her feet quite stink also and I sat her down in my room toilet and washed and massaged her feet for her. Damn, that was sweet wasn't it? Then I think about the situation now, the situation a few months back and everything that has happened in between. At that point of time I felt really lost and thought that my life was in a mess.

I think I'm smoking because I know she hates smokers so I'm doing this to get back at her for everything that didn't work out for our relationship. It's a really childish and ineffective method that's not gonna achieve anything. And that's just the first part. Ok, so I convinced myself that it would never have worked out between us anyway and judging by how happy she is now I'm quite sure I made the best decision I could have ever made for the 2 of us.

Let's move on. How about the other girl who had always been in and out of my life? The one that in my previous posts I almost revered as the "love of my life"? Why do I seemingly don't seem hmm, lets put it in a nice way, very interested now? I guess that night during the birthday party quite a no. of events occured that made me see things even clearer. I don't know how to explain this, but deep inside I somehow really understood what Kelvin meant when he said "it's not easy". I guess with her it never is and seriously don't think I'm ever up to the task, not even as a friend.

By the time it was lights off, the L(oneliness) Monster struck again so there I was lying on my bed listening to my ipod. I tried to tell myself that I'll just fall asleep and tomorrow would be better but the devil side keeps saying that it's bullshit. Tomorrow will be exactly the same as it was today, the same way how today is the same as yesterday.

I found out for myself how wrong the devil side was. When I woke up this morning the only feelings I had were fatigue, hunger, cold and frustration due to yet another blackout. Haha none of the loneliness or whatnot at all.

My life is not in a mess. It's a blank. Empty. Nothing on it. And I don't love anyone or have any love of my life kind of thing, I figured that the person I loved more than anyone else is probably myself. And when I smoked, I remembered why I wanna smoke. Not because my ex gf hates smokers, not because of peer pressure, but because it makes me feel good and relaxes me, takes my mind off my boring repetitive life a little. And that's the honest truth, underneath it all.