It's not easy

I've been behaving rather irrationally recently, causing much frustration to the people around me i.e. little star. I'm sorry. Then again it's not something that I've been doing only recently. In fact I've always been this way, just that certain triggers were left untouched and thus such behaviour and attitude remains firmly underground and un-surfaced. It's just the way I am, it's my personality, I'm flawed, and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. Nothing you can do either.

I thought I've grown out of it after all this time, that I'm a better person now than before. Well I'm not. I still have the same insecurities, the same stick-in-the-mud way of thinking so fuck this and fuck me too alright. I've been treated like an idiot before. One too many times. Why? Because I'm so bloody fucking stupid. And naive. To actually believe that I'm worthy of something, that I'm finally worth someone's while.

I'm fucking worthless ok? I can never have something that truly belongs to me. I can never find anything that I can truly call my own, anyone that can appreciate and love me honestly because of me, in spite of me. And it's not anyone else's fault, it's just that I'm too fucking useless and worthless that it's so hard to find something in me worth investing their time and love on. I'm just another face in the crowd, those poor sad little bastards whom you'll have sympathy for because you know they are destined for a life of mediocrity and there's absolutely nothing they have to set themselves apart from the other inferior bastard sitting beside him. Just like a can of baked beans.

When can I finally find out exactly what am I exactly here for? To fill up the lives of others with unimportant cameo stints?