Change

I somehow have the feeling that a little change is due in my life this week. My NS life has hit a bottleneck so far, with Wilson - my upperstudy not ORD-ing until July and my promotion not happening until October, I couldn't take on much responsibility and in turn not having really much else to do in camp to make myself feel useful. To make matters worse, my battalion is involved with the NDP wushu performance so Live activities on Monday and Friday were replaced by the practice and sometimes they slot in SOC training which I cannot take part in. I've been sleeping and sleeping and sleeping and sleeping everyday in my store, from first parade to last parade. Sleeping, eating, smoking, eating, sleeping and eating again. Every single day. It gets a little better at night after dinner, when sometimes I would play basketball with my bunkmates or go for runs, and then get back to mess by 9pm to watch TV and sleep. But that's as good as it's gonna get. Is this your idea of NS life?

Maybe it's the battalion, maybe it's the battery I'm posted to, maybe it's my vocation, maybe it's my PES status, whatever it is, it sucks. And it makes me feel that I suck too. Hasn't it been said enough times in books and magazines and whatever, that all men has a dying need to feel useful? SAF has so many men and trust me probably more than 80% feel that they are just wasting time and effort and are not making any contribution to the organisation.

Let's talk about changes. I had my long overdue first driving lesson yesterday and yea, it's really really fun. Except for the part when I U-turned onto the kerb, or when I got horned because my car stalled on a public road. Otherwise, I suppose I didn't do too badly on my first try. Damn I want that car license bad. One more goal to achieve.

Next thing on my radar is the AHM. Was wondering if I should volunteer to run 21km... 1st-year soldiers only need to run 10km and I had no problem hitting that distance. Ran 5 rounds on Monday night which is more or less 11km already although timing is another issue altogether. I think I took like, over an hour? But seriously I will just fuck the timing because I'm already uncertain when and where my legs will give up on me already. One step at a time. So yea, I think I'll ask them to put me down for the 21km. That'll give me another goal to achieve and some training regime to fill out my nights with. Chu Heng ran the Adidas Sundown Marathon 42km last night in 5hour 33mins and I was quite gian to go try also. Still got the Stan Chart one at the end of the year. The AHM could act as a stepping board to that one.

Btw, you should've realised how bored I am when I'm talking about wanting to pay good money to run around Singapore.

Here's one for short-term gratification. I made this pact with Xin that we'll go smoke free next week. We'll finish up our pack by tonight and not buy any cigarettes for next week. I think it's gonna be easier for me to achieve this because all I gotta do is not bring any cigarettes into camp and that's it. We don't exactly have a very vibrant cigarette sharing culture over there. As for Xin, she's gonna owe me a real big one if I find out that she cheated or broke our pact. So there you have it. A self-declared smoke-free week to go with the gazillion anti-smoking campaigns they've got running suddenly in SG.

Some teachers from some Spastic Childrens' Association and School came over to our camp last week to give a talk on Cerebral Palsy. Kinda reminded me of my stint of volunteering in SWAMI old folks' home back in Poly, and how long has it been since I last did volunteer work. I guess I'm not really suited to do the front-line 'sales' type of volunteering, because it's really depressing when you come face-to-face with people who are either really very unfortunate, very sick or very helpless and you know there's nothing you can actually do to help them. Well maybe people will say that just being there and talking to these people you're already bringing some happiness to their lives. But I just don't have enough strength, or maybe faith, to believe that what I'm doing is enough. These little seeds of doubts always gets magnified out of proportions by my own insecurities and lack of sense of self-worth.

Anyway, I've been thinking that maybe in the future when I have the chance or money, I'll travel all over the world to those underdeveloped countries and maybe help build a school or basketball court or something for the underpriviledged. I think that actually laying a brick down or painting a wall will somehow make me feel more useful. 1 vote for instant gratification eh?

Does that plan sound unrealistic? I did a couple of quizzes on Facebook and it says that my plans for the future are often unrealistic. Let's see, I want to travel all over the world that's for sure. Okay unrealistic. How about travelling all over the world doing volunteer work? Unrealistic x 2 right there. I want the world at my feet. I want to rise to the top like cream of the crop, because I know I've got what it takes. Or do I? Hmmm. The quizzes are right about 1 thing though, and that's that I think that luck can't buy class. In fact nothing can, not even money. One look, one conversation, is enough for you to find out if that person has class. And once that impression has been formed it can seldom be successfully altered. I know what I've got, but do others know?

One last thing, I've been checking up on classes on MMA for entry level because I've never had any experience or sorts in any form of martial arts. Not even BCCT cause of my PES status. Suddenly had this urge to learn and upgrade myself. Like I said, change is in the air. I would've wanted to try out rock-climbing if my shoulder doesn't pop out as regularly as it does, but then again isn't MMA more dangerous? I'm sick of gym. Besides I've got no access to gym in camp anyway. So I'll just wait for the school to hit me back with the details and we'll see how it goes.

I want to do so many thing and yet I have neither the time, nor the money and perhaps the capability to do them. Someone help me.